My mother was arrested when I was a baby and called her twin sister to pick me up at the police station. She and her husband watched me along with their own 5 month old baby. They did for about month then one day her husband came home from work and said, where's Angie?
She had had enough and handed me off to a lady on a streetcorner in Toronto.
I was taken by CAS after that. 10 months away from my mother, in foster care damaged me and the mother who adopted me got a cold, angry baby who destroyed everything.
I met my birth mother for the first time last month, at 30 years old.
It was a 3 hour bus ride to get there and as I got closer and closer, I kept tearing up.
She looked for me in the windows as the bus pulled up and I gave her a little wave. I was just freaking out as I got off the bus. My aunt, stepfather, mother, cousin and sister all took turns hugging me.
I was happy to see that my mother loves looking through used stores as much as I do.
We went for lunch then to browse used stores. I loved it that they were themselves around me. It made me feel like I had never been taken. My mom and her twin played with my hair and complimented my looks. We joked around at Tim Hortons.
I showed them the scars on my wrist and they kissed them. I had meant to be with them, I tried to imagine the life I would have had. The strong woman I would have been.
I meant more uncles, cousins and aunts for the first time. I felt like a shiny new toy. I felt great.
I couldnt believe I was seeing and touching the woman who had me. A month later though I feel angry.
I wish I didnt feel mad...
Why did my 2 sisters get to grow up with her.
God I needed her so bad.
I had reoccuring nightmares my whole childhood about her leaving me.
The feeling of despair I felt waking up was horrendous. The first time I had the dream I was around 6.
I was walking with her in some sort of factory and she was pushing a shopping cart and holding my hand. In the dream she had short brown hair and hoop earrings.
There was this escalator that went down into blackness and all these people with carts going on it.
She would look down at me and say, 'I'll be right back' and then she would go down this escalator into blackness. I would wake up weeping because I knew the blackness had eaten her and I would never see her again.
I still really need her. I crave her and just want her to come stay with me. Make it all better.
So now I am struggling with being a stranger to my mother and sisters and entire family. I realize the impact of my loss. They all look like me and act like me and I fit in like a glove. But then I didnt.
My own parinoia and damaged self esteem pushes me into my own dark pit. It is so lonely there.
I find it so funny that everyone who tells me to get over this grew up with both their parents and ever experienced this loss.
At first my mom called me all the time but then after she met me, she stopped answering the phone. She has started answering it again now but this one time I called and left a message. She got her sister to call me and say she got the message but cant talk to me.
Now she answers again, but man did that hurt.
After 30 years I need her to be there for me no matter what.
My father is still missing, no one knows where he is. I often wonder if he would love me. I died when I lost my parents in some primal way. Now I am what's left of me.
*Update* My father has been found! My uncle randomly ran into him today in Toronto! I got to hear his voice for the first time and see a picture of him! My God, I look just like him. Im going to meet him for the first time this weekend. I am so nervous and excited. I feel like Ive lost so much time with him. Ive lost the chance to have so many memories. But now I wont ever let him go. My daddy....
(update) I met my daddy! The day going to meet him I felt like Pinoccio the day he was allowed to be a real boy. I felt alive. I was so nervous I had to make a pit stop on the way. I love my daddy so much. He held me and I felt real love and the bond I always craved. He gave me a bracelet he made and a necklace. He is creative like me! He is 6'3 I felt so safe with him. I told him I felt like everything would be ok now. He told me that my mother wanted nothing to do with him or me and signed me over so fast. She signed the papers for me to be adopted. I had thought it was because my aunt gave me away. But even if she hadnt my mom was going to sign me away. I just wish she would have given me to my dad. I dont know... But at least I have him now. We played chess, I beat him one round. I miss him so much right now, I love my father. He is wonderful.
Update
When someone hurts you so bad you just dont know how to feel. You cant feel anything and you cant believe this is real. I found my mother after 30 years, I thought that she loved me. I couldnt hold back my tears. She called for 3 weeks and life was grand. I felt so happy like life had a plan. Then as I called she stopped calling back. I left messages, I just didnt understand. She got her sister to call me to tell me she couldnt call anymore. They hoped I understand and I tried so hard. Three months went by she didnt call again. She cared no more that waz the end. She told her sister she felt no connection to me, my cousin just told me and now in pieces, I cant speak. Pain rips through me, she didnt even try. My mother never loved me she wont stay by my side. This is pain, being abandonded again. Thrown away i meant nothing to her again. Havent I been through enough? She made me want to bleed. This pain just has to leave me. I gave her my heart, she ripped it in half and returned it to me. Didnt she know it was her role to love me unconditionally? As the days went by I racked my brain trying to figure out what I'd done. Then that call came from her sister, balless she couldnt tell me herself. Days turned into months and I tried to let it go. Then my cousin told me the secret kept from me. She told them she feels no connection to me. She never really tried, I was not worth her time. She had just found me again. Did 30 years not effect her in anyway? I was her pretty little baby. I was the little girl who woke up almost every night crying. Dreaming of a mother who looked down at me and said, I'll be right back. Then she would disappear into the black. I cant get my self worth back. I feel disposable, I thought now she would be able to put back that hole she left in me. But no it all meant nothing. I mean nothing and it rocked me to the core. I told her to throw my picture, the picture I gave her of that innocent, little pig tailed girl, into the garbage. Two can play this sick game. I will call her no more. I struggle with this reality. My mother never loved me. That fucking cut me.
(meeting my sister and my mom pictured, my mom dancing with her twin!) My dad now also pictured!! xoxo
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