This Hurt....

When someone hurts you so bad you just dont know how to feel. You cant feel anything and you cant believe this is real. I found my mother after 30 years, I thought that she loved me. I couldn't hold back my tears. She called for 3 weeks and life was grand. I felt so happy like life had a plan. Then as I called she stopped calling back. I left messages, I just didnt understand. She got her sister to tell me she couldnt call anymore and they hoped I'd understand. I tried so hard to understand... Three months went by she didnt call again. She cared no more that was the end. She told her sister she felt no connection to me. My cousin told me, now in pieces, I just cant speak. I cant breathe. Pain rips through me, she didnt even try. My mother never loved me, she wont stay by my side. This is pain, being tossed away again. Havent I been through enough? She made me want to bleed. This pain just has to leave me. I gave her my heart, she ripped it in half then handed it back. Didnt she know she was supposed to love me unconditionally? This hurt more then those kids who bullied me at school. Walking around alone waiting for the recess bell to sound. Hurt more then that guy who kicked me in the face. Three times with shoes on, I looked like a racoon for days. This hurt more then that time I jumped off the group home roof. I threw myself off and fractured my back, she hurt me more then that. This hurt more then when I got molested under that bridge. 15 years old, I asked him where street kids lived. She hurt me, hurt me hurt me more then that man who beat me and left me for dead. He was my first love who used his fists to love me back. More then the hospitals that strapped me to beds. They shot me full of drugs till the fire in me was dead.  As the days went by I racked my brain trying to figure out what I'd done. Then that call came from her sister, too balless to tell me herself. Days turned into months and I tried to let it go. Then my cousin told me the secret kept from me. She told them she feels no connection to me. She never really tried, I was not worth her time. She had just found me again. Did 30 years not effect her anyway? I was her pretty little baby. I was the little girl who woke up crying almost every night. Dreaming of a mother who looked down at me and said, I'll be right back. Then she would disappear into the black. I cant get my self worth back. I feel disposable, I thought now she would put back that hole she left in me. But no it all meant nothing. I mean nothing and it shakes me. I told her to throw my picture, the picture I gave her of that innocent, little pig tailed girl, away. Two can play this sick game. I will call her no more. I struggle with this reality. My mother never loved me. That deeply cut me.