Polly Pockets!!

Well it's been awhile since I had a new obsession... To me when I feel obsessed with something it gives  me this giddy feeling of joy. I never know what my next fad will be. Right now I am probably the only 30 year old woman who can talk for 10 minutes straight about Polly Pockets. (I did it to a friend at McDonalds today >.<)
I was really down the other night because no one really talks to me on Facebook ( I know I should care less) and for some reason I got a glimpse of me at 9 standing on the driveway lovingly playing with my little Polly Pocket. Suddenly it struck me, I NEED a Polly Pocket.
So I began to scour Kijiji and Craigslist for the vintage ones.
I found a lady in my city who has several sets and enthusiastically messaged her. Then I waited and waited. And waited and waited and waited. Then I messaged her again gently reminding her I want to buy every single Polly Pocket she's got. Well I became depressed because she never got back to me. Finally I located a Country Cottage Polly Pocket in a different town and the lady got right back to me. So I sent my dutiful husband off on an hours bus ride to get the little toy. Whenever I want a toy I just announce that our son or daughter needs it desperately and then I sneak off to examine and play with it when no one is looking. The lady made $15 off me for it but I dont mind. Tonight for the first time since I was a little girl I got to walk a little Polly doll around her encave. Over the bridge, in her bathtub, lay her on her bed, her couch, sit on the chair and on the little bench to take in the view (I also made her stand in the middle of the pond :P).
Then I discovered something... While I was looking through pictures on Google images of Polly Pockets (I really go all out with this obsession thing) I discovered something I never knew!
The company which originally made Polly Pocket named Bluebird (more on THAT in a minute) also made sets called Mighty Max! It's a Polly Pocket for boys! OMG
Mighty Max battles monsters in his little encave and man does it look awesome.
So I raced over to Kijiji to see if there were any Mighty Max 'Doom Zones' (those are the decent sized ones) and there was an ad for 3 of them! Sure enough though the guy didnt message back :( Not too happy with Kijijians leaving sold ads up.
The story of how the first Polly Pocket was made is so touching... (cue Wikidpedia and touching music)
'Polly Pocket German series was first designed by Chris Wiggs in 1983 for his daughter Kate. Using a powder compact, he fashioned a small house for the tiny doll. Bluebird Toys of Swindon, England licensed the concept and the first Polly Pocket toys appeared in stores in 1989. Mattel held a distribution arrangement with Bluebird Toys for Polly Pocket items in the early-1990s. In 1998, while production lulled, Bluebird Toys endured several hostile take-over attempts until Mattel finally purchased them later that year.'

Did you hear that people? A HOSTILE takeover!!! My poor Polly Pockets. Mattel totally redesigned Polly Pockets, now they are just mini Barbie dolls.
So anything as deep as that story is sure to add fire to my obsession. Yes Im only collecting the unique, original, Bluebird Polly Pocket and Mighty Max sets.
So there you have it, I have a new love. xoxo Polly, I mean Angie... ahem...

My Secret Obsession

I have a secret obsession that's kind of embarassing. I have spent hundreds of dollars on it. It is... Happy Meal TOYS!! I gather the excitement of a 4 year old over them. Twice I spent quite a bit on huge boxes of unopened Happy Meals toys on Ebay. Then when they arrived I sat in silent ecstasy as I opened each one. There is something so wonderful about opening the little package and seeing the surprise inside. I especially love collecting full sets. I like how well they are made and the variety of brand name toys. The unopened 90's ones are fun because they bring back memories of popular shows when I was growing up. I recently found out there was a Cabbage Patch series in the 90's and some are on Kijiji right now! In fact here is the photo from the ad. So that is my obsession...
It makes me happy so :P

Nintendo 3DS Games I Gotta Have!!

Who says a 30 year old woman cant have and enjoy a Nintendo 3DS? Maybe lots of people but I say to heck with growing up and being mature!! MooHaha!!! So here are the 3DS games I am buying!

Sims 3Ds is a must. I have become so obsessed with Sims before, especially Urbz. I had to stop playing it because I was giggling at people as they talked. Their hand gestures reminded me of my Sims and in my head everyone started speaking Simlish.

Luigis Mansion was such a unique Mario game. I love the scary theme so I have to get the new Luigis Mansion Dark Moon for the 3DS! That will be awesome.

Animal Crossing New Leaf is coming out this June. I just fall in love with the cute little animals and I enjoy collecting things for my house. Also making that groundhog mad was great. I cant wait to get this new version and be mayor.

Super Mario 3D Land will get me into new Gumba stomping action which is always good. I am the best Mario gamer I know. Seriously I grew up mastering retro Mario games.

Mario Kart 7 for the 3DS is a must have. Mario Kart is always a great way to unwind after being put through a pressure cooker by your 'loved ones' lol.

Star Fox 64 is coming to the 3DS. The N64 came out when I was 15 and I first got to play it on a childrens psychiatric ward. I was so emo then. Star Fox was an awesome game then so it surely is now too. Gotta get it.

I had Kid Icarus for the original gameboy when I was small and I loved it so much I played it over and over. I beat it like 8 times. So the new 3DS version of Kid Icarus, Uprising is a must have for moi.

A neat looking game I'd like to get is Dinosaurs 3D Combat of Giants. Im a Jurassic Park fan (JP4 had better be better then JP3 was) so this looking like a fun game.

I love amusement parks and roller coasters so I would like to buy Coaster Creator 3D. Its supposedly easy to make rollercoasters, you just have to draw them with your pen. I have a terrible time trying to figure out the controls on other coaster games and I always give up before making something.

I love open world games so Rayman 3Ds looks pretty nice. I've never played a Rayman game befoe for some reason. It looks like I'd be starting with the best one ever.

I have had so many farms in different Harvest Moon games it's nuts. The problem is I head straight for the last 5 levels of the mines (Im really good) and I come out with loads of jewels and get enough money to buy and upgrade everything. But then I get bored and cant be bothered trying to get one of the other characters to fall in love with me.
In my mind, they should be chasing my cute little character around, trying to win her. So yeah I may eventually get Harvest Moon A New Beginning for the 3DS . But not till I get bored of the rest of the games I just wrote. Funky Barn 3DS looks like a funnier alternative.

I hope they redo the NES game Faxanadu. I spent HOURS playing that as a kid and would love to see it redone like Kid Icarus was. Earthworm Jim was another I had for the gameboy. I would love to see an Earthworm Jim game for the 3DS.

So now I just have to sell one of my kidneys to pay for all these games! Hope it doesn't leave a big scar....

My Dreams

My dream is to get a book published that has my memoirs, poetry and photos in it. My other dream is to be a public speaker for womens groups and homeless shelters. I have so far spoken at one womens group and one homeless shelter.
Like my poem Epic says, 'I want to touch you right on your soul, create a bond so you'll never let me go.'
I long to connect with people on another level and I think poems can do that like music can.
Off topic, why do artists ignore most of their fans on Twitter? Dont they realize how much their music can mean to a fan. Like three words would make them elated....
Anyways, Im not bitter lol.
My other dream is to get a really nice camera and new laptop and travel around taking mesmerising photos. Then making a nice photo section for my new blog here.

My other dream is to meet my father for the first time. But only if he will love me forever and not lose me again. It would hurt too much to be rejected anymore. I was told he is a big French, Native man. My mothers side originated from England.
I really dont want to get up today... Im going to go to this store called Brands Gone Wild, they have movies for 5.99. They have a copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I want to watch it again because the beginning makes me laugh. They did a second part to that movie called I Hate Valentines Day Im not sure if I want to see. That store also has Matchbox 20's concert dvd called Show. I should pick that up too.
So back ON TOPIC, I would also like to be in a crazy dance flash mob, in a movie (just one indie film) I wouldn't want to be famous (really have you seen how tabloids tear actresses apart?) I just would like to try acting because I love art.
Wanna know a secret? I pretend I am sleeping so my husband will get the boys ready for school...
I cant think of anymore dreams... I try to keep it realastic so this doesnt turn into my Delusions...

My Favourite Movies

I love collecting movies, I have about 200 right now! Im finding it very hard to find my favourite ones though which are John Hughes. My faves by him are, She's Having a Baby, Uncle Buck, Career Opportunities (where the teens trash the Target store), Only the Lonely, Dutch, Curly Sue and Baby's Day Out (so so funny)

My collection will never be complete without those movies. I also love any movie with Edward Norton, Steve Carell (Dinner with Shmucks is lol) or Gerard Butler.

Edward Furlong, Frankie Muniz and Tyler James Williams were my favourite child actors.

Malcolm in the Middle and My Name is Earl are the funniest shows ever. I'm still waiting for the other seasons of Malcolm to be released. I dont really get why they werent, something about the soundtrack.

I really enjoyed the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies because they are funny and original.

My newest fave movie was Silver Lining, it gave me a new respect for Bradley Cooper. He was also great in All About Steve.

I love it that they brought back Alvin and the Chipmunks from the 80's. Same with the Smurfs. Hank Azaria does an awesome Gargamel.
He was also good in Night at the Mueseum 2. I wonder if anymore 80's movie will be redone...

I love the Jurassic Park series too and cant wait to see what new dinos are in the 4th one. Whats your fave movie?

Morbid Obsessions...

Watch "Scary ghost caught on tape by security camera | Real ghost on tape | Scary ghost videos 2013" on YouTube
About ever two months I wind up on the weird side of You Tube. I watch weird, scary and gross videos. Like teens breaking into a haunted funeral home, the ghost girl in Walmart, ghost hunters investagating abandonded insane asylums and prisons. I watch ladies getting worms pulled out of their heads, zombie insects and bagel heads. Horses of the apocylapse galloping through Egypt and Japan... Insane trumpeting sounds in the sky. I watch and watch entranced.
This one is the best I have seen lately, no pop ups... Do you have a morbid obsession? Are you worried you will become a ghost?

Favourite Songs and Music

I fell in love with Hanson at 14 when they first came out. I was mmmbopping my little heart how and collecting dozens of their photos. I had 3 huge scrapbooks of their pics I'd cut from Teeny Bop mags lol.
When I saw the video for Quit Playin Games With My Heart by the Backstreet Boys I first saw a mans chest. Howie shows off his abs. I loved those man boys...
When I hit 15 though I got into Green Day, back when they were still that cute, grungy band. Also the Canadian band Our Lady Peace, I loved their first 3 albums. Their songs Right Behind You and Not Enough are awesome.
I moved onto Korn and Limp Bizkit and collected all their cds. I still like their songs Shoots and Ladders and My Way.
Now I love the bands Maroon 5 and Rise Against. I first heard Adam Levine sing in the song Stereo Hearts. I love his unique voice and interesting videos. My fave Rise Against songs are Heaven Knows, The Good Left Undone, Swing Life Away, Prayer of the Refugee and Ready to Fall! My favourite bands that broke up are Serial Joe, Stereos and the Moffatts.
I love the song Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, I really feel it. I like a few songs by Mindless Behavior like Mrs. Right and I love this kids song, Broke Up. His name is Brandon Pacheco, he can really sing. Stronger by Kelly Clarkson is a good one. So is Rusted From the Rain by Billy Talent and Move by Thousand Foot Krutch. I love the song Something Inside from the August Rush soundtrack.
I love watching the worst and funniest auditions on X Factor and Idol. Mary Roach freaking out and going psycho on Idol is worth checking out.
Oh another excellent song and video is Try by Pink. It made me tear up because it reminded me of every relationship I've been in, but never with such a hot guy lol.
Who doesnt love a Linkin Park song? I love several like What Ive Done, Numb and New Divide.
I'm also a Elvis fan, my favourite song is A Little Less Conversation. (You aint satisfactioning Elvis lady, get on it lol)
I like any song that makes me feel something inside. Well thats a good overview of my music faves!! Later Gator ;)

Weird Thoughts About My Life

What do you do when you feel trapped in your life. Seriously trapped and stressed. If you cant take anymore but you are trapped in a situation. I have nightmares lately of someone being brutally murdered and online sources say that is my brain telling me I cut a relationship or friendship out. But what if its your life thats in danger of being cut out? Not physically but in terms of loosing everything in order to be free again. But what if that could mean your family. This is what it feels like for me. I am a emotionally and verbally abused woman. I have 4 kids though and feel cant manage everything on my own. So I give and give and he takes and takes. Im afraid there is nothing left of me. Plus with my borderline disorder I have a terrible fear of abandonment and panic attacks that could kill a horse. I feel as though I am teetering on the edge and there is no one to rescue me. So I write on my blog to escape. Christians say Jesus will never leave me but I need him to hang out with me and watch movies or play board games. Jesus.... He is all I really have in this world. I wonder what will become of me. I wonder if I will survive this life. I just try to survive day by day, I am in constant desperation for relief.

The Memory Fades

Have you ever almost remebered a memory but it slips away from you before you can grasp it? That happened to me. For a second I remebered something that I used to think of when I was a girl and it felt like the ghost of her passing through me. Like I could feel for a moment how I felt back then. The innocence, the energy.
I felt as though I as grieving myself so I wrote this to try and explain how I felt. Its called Shattered.

The giddy innocence I once had, skips past my shattered reflection in the broken glass.
A ghost of a girl who would laugh and lose herself for hours as time had no grasp.
A fragment of a memory takes me back, a shard of a feeling that I once had.
An excitement that raced, a wonder no one could take.
It was all mine but now it has faded away.
The girls giggles fade into black, she is lost in my abyss there is no coming back.
Is she still really there, is that why I cry?
Or is it just that I couldn't protect her from the pain that would pry. Ripping her in half.
The names that would cut.
The fists that would break, the dissapointments that would cause her heart such crushing pain.
Now here I am, a girl who can survive.
Mourning the sweet girl who in a memory rushed by.

Nuthouse Memoirs

I was put into a few mental hospitals when I started cutting myself at 15. My mom called our family doctor, Dr. Magee and he made the referral.
I was sent to a hospital called Youthdale in Toronto around 1998 and while in there I was given a cocktail of pills. I was only 15 and had no diagnosed mental illness yet. I would spend my days sitting on a chair drugged so badly I couldnt move. They gave us our pills in little white paper cups and I remeber counting the pills. There were 10 in my cup and I had to take them 3 times a day. The most violent staff was Mark and he would twist my arms up behind my back until I screamed. I witnessed a child being held in restraints for around 3 days. He would scream and scream, then he was just gone. If I freaked out or tried to escape they would jump on me and give me what they called a PRN. They would yank my pants down a bit and put a needle in my upper ass (kinky right? lol). Then they tied me up for what felt like days, just staring at the ceiling and lights using what they call mechanical restraints (leather straps with buckles). When I tried to tell my mother they were hurting me, they would say they didnt like where the conversation was going and hang up the phone. She remebers all this and seeing constant bruising on me. The psychiatrist said the medication they had me on was too much for my body weight and that my thyroid was damaged. Youthdale was a nightmare.

I was also in Whitby psych, it was the brand new one back then. (the original Whitby psych can be seen in Billy Talents video Try Honesty) The beds had pink blankets and there was a basketball court outside. When Dragula by Rob Zombie came on tv we would gather around the set mesmerised. We also went swimming (they have a pool) and played endless games of Skip Bo. They also had an N64 which had just come out. I enjoyed playing Wave Race and Mario. I would get tied to beds all the time in the quiet room, where I would belt out Green Day songs at the top of my lungs. The restraints there were blue instead of leather like Youthdale. I had an amazing ability to get out of them and then walk out of the room triumpantly. The staff would look up from their Skip Bo game just shocked and then tackle me, bringing me back to the room. One new guy named Richard came in there with black sunglasses, trying to look cool. He would start grunting every night and it just drove me nuts. So one night I yelled SHUT UP. He was in the room like a flash and dragged me out of bed by my hair. The staff came running and got him off me. He was screaming that no one told him to shut up. They put my clump of hair into a little baggy in case anyone sued. I would sneak plastic silverware from the cafeteria and me and another girl would break them and sit and cut ourselves. One day she said, why dont we just stop? She was released soon after and I cut alone. Im the time out room they got sick of me punching the walls so they drew a face on a mattress and put it in there for me to hit. I usually still hit the wall. It was there I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality and fetal alcohal effects.

After that I was in 3 group homes and on the street.
It just got worse from here. I jumped off of a group home's roof that was run by Kinark in Newmarket. I fractured my back and was placed on pediatrics for awhile. I was given a walker to use but I refused to. The nurse would yell at me to get my walker, so I would get it and carry it beside me. My room mate and I would sneak to the maternity ward and raid their fridge.

After 2 weeks though the doctor came and told me I was well enough to go to the psych floor. I grabbed my things and ran for the staircase. As I ran down them I heard Code White being called. Guys ran up the stairs and said, I hear your coming to stay with us today. I couldnt get past them and they grabbed me and carried me up the stairs. Halfway up I told them I would walk if I could have a smoke when I got there. They agreed.

The smoking area was at the end of the ward and was three chairs and a table. It seems unbelievable that you could smoke in the hospital then, but you could. There was a long row of chairs back to back and a tv, a payphone and the shower room. The rest were bedrooms. I was off and on that ward alot. There was also an unlocked side for not as crazy people. I varied among the two depending on why I was in.

There was always interesting people there and one guy was Micheal. His wife had left him so he slit both his wrists. They were both wrapped in white bandages. I would dedicate myself to making him laugh and the staff often got upset because I would sit on the floor beside his chair. Since you could smoke on the ward, he would just chainsmoke non stop. He made this sound like he was eating the ciggarette and his fingers were yellow from nicotine. I knew he was special, he was so quiet and I was the only one who could make him smile.
Out on the patio this guy named Darrel would play me Beatles songs with his guitar. It made me feel so excited to have friends. Hey Jude was my favourite, I can still hear him singing. One day though his psychiatrist told him he had to leave. Darrel was so upset because he had nowhere to go. They told him his guitar playing was affecting the other patients treatment. He lived in a group home for awhile after that, then went back to his wife.
My other friend I made on the ward was Daniel. He thought he was a wizard and always had sandals and a walking stick. I remeber once I was on the unlocked side of the ward and he was wheeled past me on a stretcher to the locked side. "Hey Jewel (my nickname), Hey Daniel..." We called to each other. We would listen to Offspring together on the stereo when he  I was on the unlocked side and we would play ping pong. Somehow he got a dog while released and he spray painted his tail purple.

Eventually I lost touch with all the people I met in those hospitals, but they live in my memory and my heart. The first time I ever made a real friend was in a nuthouse or a group home. Life is like a series of fleeting moments. At the time they seem like they will last forever but then when you look back on them you realize just how short they were. Maybe the short ones are most precious?

Ramblings of an Adoptee

My mother was arrested when I was a baby and called her twin sister to pick me up at the police station. She and her husband watched me along with their own 5 month old baby. They did for about month then one day her husband came home from work and said, where's Angie?
She had had enough and handed me off to a lady on a streetcorner in Toronto.
I was taken by CAS after that. 10 months away from my mother, in foster care damaged me and the mother who adopted me got a cold, angry baby who destroyed everything.
I met my birth mother for the first time last month, at 30 years old.
It was a 3 hour bus ride to get there and as I got closer and closer, I kept tearing up.
She looked for me in the windows as the bus pulled up and I gave her a little wave. I was just freaking out as I got off the bus. My aunt, stepfather, mother, cousin and sister all took turns hugging me.
I was happy to see that my mother loves looking through used stores as much as I do.
We went for lunch then to browse used stores. I loved it that they were themselves around me. It made me feel like I had never been taken. My mom and her twin played with my hair and complimented my looks. We joked around at Tim Hortons.
I showed them the scars on my wrist and they kissed them. I had meant to be with them, I tried to imagine the life I would have had. The strong woman I would have been.
I meant more uncles, cousins and aunts for the first time. I felt like a shiny new toy. I felt great.
I couldnt believe I was seeing and touching the woman who had me. A month later though I feel angry.
I wish I didnt feel mad...
Why did my 2 sisters get to grow up with her.
God I needed her so bad.
I had reoccuring nightmares my whole childhood about her leaving me.
The feeling of despair I felt waking up was horrendous. The first time I had the dream I was around 6.
I was walking with her in some sort of factory and she was pushing a shopping cart and holding my hand. In the dream she had short brown hair and hoop earrings.
There was this escalator that went down into blackness and all these people with carts going on it.
She would look down at me and say, 'I'll be right back' and then she would go down this escalator into blackness. I would wake up weeping because I knew the blackness had eaten her and I would never see her again.
I still really need her. I crave her and just want her to come stay with me. Make it all better.
So now I am struggling with being a stranger to my mother and sisters and entire family. I realize the impact of my loss. They all look like me and act like me and I fit in like a glove. But then I didnt.
My own parinoia and damaged self esteem pushes me into my own dark pit. It is so lonely there.
I find it so funny that everyone who tells me to get over this grew up with both their parents and ever experienced this loss.
At first my mom called me all the time but then after she met me, she stopped answering the phone. She has started answering it again now but this one time I called and left a message. She got her sister to call me and say she got the message but cant talk to me.
Now she answers again, but man did that hurt.
After 30 years I need her to be there for me no matter what.
My father is still missing, no one knows where he is. I often wonder if he would love me. I died when I lost my parents in some primal way. Now I am what's left of me.

*Update* My father has been found! My uncle randomly ran into him today in Toronto! I got to hear his voice for the first time and see a picture of him! My God, I look just like him. Im going to meet him for the first time this weekend. I am so nervous and excited. I feel like Ive lost so much time with him. Ive lost the chance to have so many memories. But now I wont ever let him go. My daddy....
(update) I met my daddy! The day going to meet him I felt like Pinoccio the day he was allowed to be a real boy. I felt alive. I was so nervous I had to make a pit stop on the way. I love my daddy so much. He held me and I felt real love and the bond I always craved. He gave me a bracelet he made and a necklace. He is creative like me! He is 6'3 I felt so safe with him. I told him I felt like everything would be ok now. He told me that my mother wanted nothing to do with him or me and signed me over so fast. She signed the papers for me to be adopted. I had thought it was because my aunt gave me away. But even if she hadnt my mom was going to sign me away. I just wish she would have given me to my dad. I dont know... But at least I have him now. We played chess, I beat him one round. I miss him so much right now, I love my father. He is wonderful.

Update
When someone hurts you so bad you just dont know how to feel. You cant feel anything and you cant believe this is real. I found my mother after 30 years, I thought that she loved me. I couldnt hold back my tears. She called for 3 weeks and life was grand. I felt so happy like life had a plan. Then as I called she stopped calling back. I left messages, I just didnt understand. She got her sister to call me to tell me she couldnt call anymore. They hoped I understand and I tried so hard. Three months went by she didnt call again. She cared no more that waz the end. She told her sister she felt no connection to me, my cousin just told me and now in pieces, I cant speak. Pain rips through me, she didnt even try. My mother never loved me she wont stay by my side. This is pain, being abandonded again. Thrown away i meant nothing to her again. Havent I been through enough? She made me want to bleed. This pain just has to leave me. I gave her my heart, she ripped it in half and returned it to me. Didnt she know it was her role to love me unconditionally? As the days went by I racked my brain trying to figure out what I'd done. Then that call came from her sister, balless she couldnt tell me herself. Days turned into months and I tried to let it go. Then my cousin told me the secret kept from me. She told them she feels no connection to me. She never really tried, I was not worth her time. She had just found me again. Did 30 years not effect her in anyway? I was her pretty little baby. I was the little girl who woke up almost every night crying. Dreaming of a mother who looked down at me and said, I'll be right back. Then she would disappear into the black. I cant get my self worth back. I feel disposable, I thought now she would be able to put back that hole she left in me. But no it all meant nothing. I mean nothing and it rocked me to the core. I told her to throw my picture, the picture I gave her of that innocent, little pig tailed girl, into the garbage. Two can play this sick game. I will call her no more. I struggle with this reality. My mother never loved me. That fucking cut me.

(meeting my sister and my mom pictured, my mom dancing with her twin!) My dad now also pictured!! xoxo

Introduction, Who I Am

Hello, this is my first blog. Im going to describe myself as honestly as I can. Im 30 but I still feel like an overwhelmed 12 year old. Like I'll never be ready for this adult life. I want to hide and play my gameboy. I had 33 games and Kid Icarus was my favourite. I am a mother of 4 kids who are under 10! O_o When I try and go out I feel like I am leading a clown circus. Or a mobile zoo. I have a husband who is nice sometimes and other times makes me wish I was dead. I often feel all alone like I am living on a different planet then everyone else and attempting to socialize is like trying to reach out to a star. I feel so far away and different. My religion is Christian but I dont understand why they pick some Jewish laws to follow and some not to. Like no tattoos, but no longer stoning drunks. Are they free by grace or still under the law. They seem to do both. I dont really care though because I can only worry about so much. Christians often play the holier then thou card on me because I act so messed, I do love Jesus and believe on Him though. I cant BE perfect and I hurt so badly inside. I do what I have to to get through. Like I have this guilty pleasure of watching Gerard Butler and salivating over him. But when your husband calls you a stupid bitch you really need an escape. So I also have borderline personality disorder which does not help. My mother was arrested for stealing when I was a baby and called her twin sister to pick me up at the police station. She and her husband watched me along with their own 5 month old baby. They did for a month then one day her husband came home from work and said, wheres Angie? She had had enough and handed me off to a lady on a streetcorner in Toronto. She didnt know her adress or anything. I was taken by CAS after that. 10 months of neglect in foster care damaged my little brain and the mother who adopted me got a cold, angry baby who destroyed everything. I tried killing myself as a teen and was a runaway living on the street with abusive older guys. So now, who am I? A loving mother who is prone to hysterical crying and apathetic depression I also write poetry. Alot of poetry. So that is me, this sweet misunderstood woman :)